Mother and Daughter
Relationship Problems

Did you realize that many mother and daughter relationship problems stem from communication issues? Things said to a father and things said from a son, are likely to sound very different than those very same things said from daughter to mother. Both nonverbal and verbal communications are often loaded - with past experience, emotion, and heightened perception.

It's even been said that mothers and daughters have the most complicated relationships…and if you're a part of one, you probably agree! Why do these relationships have so much potential for misunderstanding and hurt feelings? What can you do to improve your relationship with your mother or with your daughter?

Too Close/Not Close Enough

Mother and daughter relationship problems often have an element of "too close/not close enough". Mothers often struggle with their daughters' independence and increasing distance as they age. Daughters often feel like their mothers are too nosy and want to hamper their growing autonomy.

The opposite can be true as well. Sometimes daughters yearn for closer relationships, while their mothers wish to keep some distance. In either case, this is especially hurtful for the person who feels like she is being kept out. Women thrive in their connections with others and strive to avoid aloneness-so a perceived rejection from a mother or daughter can be very painful.

This pattern can quickly become a negative cycle. The person feeling shut out may ask more questions to feel more involved. The person wanting distance will then feel more harassed and will detach even further to keep her privacy.

Caring vs. Criticizing

Other mother and daughter relationship problems revolve around the different perceptions of "caring vs. criticizing". Mothers often find themselves in a startling situation-after offering what they feel was appropriate and caring concern, they find their daughters fuming and distant. What happened?

Many mothers don't recognize the big perception difference between what they see as caring and what their daughters see as criticism. Mothers want to spare their daughters the lessons they've learned, point out options they may not have noticed, and help them live their best life. These comments come with the best intentions.

To daughters, however, these comments sound disapproving and critical. And their hurt and irritated reactions come as a surprise to the mothers who only meant the best. You can see how comments such as "Your hair really looked better short," "When are you going to settle down?", and "Those pants don't really flatter your shape" can be both meant with love and heard as criticism.

Solutions

There are numerous mother and daughter relationship problems related to communication. What are we to do? One basic solution is to change our conversational patterns with our mothers/daughters. When you sense that the conversation is about to take an ugly tone, don't react the way you normally react. Often, if we slow down a little, we can help our conversations by not sticking to the unsuccessful "script" we've become used to using with our mother or daughter.

It is also helpful for daughters to try to understand the motives behind perceived criticisms, which can help them to react less strongly. Mothers can also resist giving as much advice to their grown daughters to avoid appearing judgmental. Ideally both people can try to better understand where the other is coming from which will enable her to feel more generous, forgiving, and appreciative.

I've found an amazing resource on this topic to be Deborah Tannen's You're Wearing THAT?. She's a professor of linguistics at Georgetown University and appears frequently on Oprah, Today, Good Morning America, and 20/20. Tannen is a New York Times best selling author who has extensively studied communication between the sexes, friends, family, and mothers and daughters. Her book is filled with personal anecdotes as well as many other examples of mother and daughter relationship problems stemming from communication.

Her writing is easy to read, her examples are relevant and touching, and her suggestions for improving these relationships are thoughtful and pertinent. I have found this book to be very useful and eye-opening and, especially if you have a mother and daughter relationship problem, encourage you to check it out for yourself!