Are You a Lonely Mom?Lonely moms are everywhere. Sometimes we're lonely because of postpartum emotions. Sometimes it’s because of single parenthood. Sometimes it’s because of a lack of support and connection. Sometimes it’s because of social judgments. It can be so hard to figure out what you need and then how to get it when you need it, especially if you’re feeling isolated.  Research indicates that 10-15% of women suffer from postpartum disorders. But those numbers are based just on the women who actually report their symptoms. So it is safe to assume that a much higher percentage of the female population struggles with these sometimes debilitating conditions.
Even though postpartum disorders are getting increased media attention, many women are still ashamed to admit their concerns. If you have struggled with postpartum disorders, you may feel like a lonely mom but you are certainly not alone. If you've ever experienced this, know that others have too, and that things can get better. Read Katherine Stone's postpartum story on her incredibly validating and informative blog. If you're struggling with postpartum mood issues, you don't have to be an isolated, lonely mom. Check out this online support group specifically for postpartum depression. You may not feel like you have time to be lonely if you're a single parent. However, if you're working and parenting all by yourself, you are bound to feel isolated and on your own sometimes. It's really challenging to try to have a social life or get acquainted with new people when you're a single parent. Heck, it's hard enough to come up with meal ideas every day! A good internet resource for single moms that covers topics like parenting, finances, and health is www.singlemom.com.
If you'd love to chat with other single moms, you can join a message board specifically for single moms. This can be a great way to meet new people and connect to other single moms if you're strapped for time, energy, and/or confidence. Who do you turn to when you need help or just a listening ear? Who stands by you no matter what? It's really important for moms to have a strong support system ideally made up of family, friends, and other moms. We need people to validate our feelings, support our child raising ideas, and encourage us through the challenges all moms face. What types of support are you most in need of? You might need validation, connection, encouragement, information, acknowledgement, or a babysitter. Each of these things may come from different sources or the same. But it’s important to reflect on what you need so that you can seek it out and feel more supported. Have you noticed what happens when you feel unsupported? You may feel unappreciated, overwhelmed, trapped, taken for granted, resentful, angry, sad, and exhausted. As soon as you start to feel like others aren't seeing your needs and helping to meet them, these toxic feelings begin to build. And by the time you reach your breaking point, you've already been running on empty for a while which isn't good for you or for your family. One thing to remember is that, no matter how much we may wish otherwise, our needs may not be as obvious as we’d like. Sometimes we wish and wish for someone to notice what we desperately need without us having to come out and ask for it. And this almost always leads to disappointment. Women tend to base the strength of their connection with others on how well they can anticipate their needs. And the reverse is true as well. For example, when you are able to anticipate and validate your friend's feelings, you feel an incredible closeness and emotional intimacy with her. But when you misread a friend or you don't even realize that she's troubled, you (and she) may feel a disconnect between the two of you. For women, anticipating and relating to the needs of others is an important part of the social dance.
This explains why it is easy for you to feel hurt and uncared for when your needs aren't being met. When you rely on other people to intuitively know what you need and then to fulfill those needs, you set yourself up for disappointment and self-pity. The short and simple answer to this issue is to ask for what you need. It's not easy admitting that you have needs or that you need someone else's help. If you find yourself always being the go-to person, it can feel downright impossible to turn the tables. But, especially if you are a lonely mom, it's important to get into the habit of stating your needs and then accepting the help when it comes. The opposite issue for some women is not wanting others to know you’re having troubles and actually hiding your frustrations. This behavior often stems from a sense of pride, or embarrassment, or fear…or all three! But hiding your needs and denying your troubles ends up causing more grief and conflict and increases your isolation immensely. Maybe you're a lonely mom because you feel like you're not getting enough support for doing what you feel is right for your family. You may feel you have to defend yourself and your child raising choices to your own mother, your friends, or your acquaintances. All moms struggle with uncertainty at various times so it is helpful to have trusted others who can help reaffirm your commitment to doing what you think is best. How do you handle negative comments directed towards your parenting choices? It is a good idea to have some tactful comebacks ready for those situations.
Without being self-righteous or a doormat, you can usually escape uncomfortable situations with phrases like these while maintaining your dignity. There are plenty of moments as a mother when your dignity will go down the tubes, so cherish any opportunity you have to keep it! If you're having a hard time finding like-minded parents, search online. You are likely to find support groups and chat rooms filled with people who share your parenting beliefs. Just having other voices in your life that understand where you're coming from and who support your child raising decisions can be incredibly uplifting. If you are a lonely mom, the answer lies outside of yourself. It's essential to reach out to others.
If you would like an unbiased and nonjudgmental partner in your corner to help figure out what's contributing to your loneliness and how to change your path, I would love to talk with you! Please
contact me.
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Women suffering from postpartum mood disorders - ranging from the "baby blues" to postpartum psychosis - often feel very isolated and ashamed of their feelings. But it is essential that new mothers acknowledge their feelings and seek out the postpartum care they need to get better. It is imperative to turn to your doctor for help if you are feeling persistent negative feelings. Health care professionals are attuned to the hormonal changes women go through after delivery and can help you get the treatment you need. 
