Gender Differences in Communication

Warning: What you're about to read is full of generalities and clearly does not apply to all people all of the time. These are broad descriptions and I hope that you are able to take what you can from them. That is all. Carry on!

Differing Views of Communication

One key distinction is that men and women view the purpose of communication differently. Men tend to view talking as necessary to make a point or to get help with something. They typically see talking as a means to an end, not a means within itself.

Women, on the other hand, talk to give and get support, to make a point, to relieve stress, and to deal with an issue. Women connect through talking and the give and take of conversation. A woman often feel rejuvenated and energized after talking a long time with a good friend as she has successfully connected with another and feels valued, appreciated, and validated.

Problems arise when people expect their partner to receive and send messages the same way they do. For example, men tend to be problem solvers and women like to share their concerns but often aren't looking for solutions. So when a woman wants to share her worries with her husband, he interprets that as a cry for help and offers solutions. She then feels like he's not listening to her but instead just trying to fix the problem. He's confused as to why she even brought the problem up if she didn't want help with it. And so these gender differences in communication cause confusion and misunderstanding.

Women connect with others primarily through talking and men do not. And, because neither men nor women fully understand these innate gender differences in communication, misunderstandings become a big problem.

A great book on this subject is You Just Don't Understand, Deborah Tannen's #1 New York Times Bestseller. Dr. Tannen is a professor of linguistics at Georgetown University and often appears on Oprah, Today, Good Morning America, and 20/20. While her books are full of incredible research and studies, they are amazingly easy to read and engaging for every type of reader.

She provides wonderful examples of gender discourse and provides the kind of valuable information that you can actually apply in your own relationship. I gained a lot of personal insight from this book and recommend it to anyone interested in learning more about gender differences in communication!

Differing Views of the World

Women tend to see the world as a network of connections. Life for them is a community, a struggle to maintain closeness and avoid loneliness. Women tend to value relationships and connections.

It makes sense then why women spend much of their social time talking and being physically close to each other. Men often spend their social time participating in an activity together (watching TV, playing basketball) and using the activity itself to connect.

Men and women typically have few problems relating to members of their own gender as they all understand the rules, for the most part, on how they will interact. It's when men and women try to connect to each other that problems arise. It feels like gender differences in communication are a study in cross-cultural issues!

The key to improving dialogue between men and women is to understand that we just have different ways of communicating. There is no right or wrong, just different. And research shows that a lot of these differences are innate or learned, not just a plan to irritate the opposite sex!

So know that your partner is just communicating in the way he/she knows how and probably doesn't fully understand your "language" either. You both can be open to learning more about what the other person's expectations are, sharing your own, and figuring out how to meet each other's needs.