Communication in Relationships

Why is it that communication in relationships can be so challenging?

Verbal and nonverbal miscommunication between people causes difficulties that strain even the best of relationships.

The primary reason for this is that we each have expectations of how others should think, behave, respond, and feel. These expectations are such a part of us that most of us don't even know they exist. But they do, and they can wreak havoc when they're not met!

Often, when your immediate expectations aren't met, you take it personally. You may feel like the other person was intentionally trying to disappoint you. And you may react in a way to protect yourself from further disappointment. If your good friend, for example, didn't call within a certain time frame after your surgery, you would probably feel hurt, disappointed, and neglected. The next time you do talk to her, you may be cold, distant, or angry - without explaining why.

But this reaction hurts your friend's feelings because she's been beating herself up about not calling sooner--she had actually been on a business trip and couldn't call until she returned home.

You felt neglected and punish your friend for not showing her concern for you in the way you preferred. Your friend has been feeling awful about not being there for you the way she wanted, and is doubly hurt by your reaction.

This type of situation can actually put a new or fragile relationship in danger because both people may leave the conversation feeling misunderstood and unappreciated. Either person could feel hurt and defensive enough to not want to resolve the conflict and move on. Even worse, there may be a desire to move forward but maybe neither person knows how and instead chooses to let the wounds fester or just walk away completely.

Communication in relationships is often so challenging and complicated because we have these expectations and because we care about our connection with other people. You are much less likely to get worked up over a miscommunication with a stranger than you are with a loved one, right? Although "road rage" is becoming an increasing problem, just imagine how much road rage there would be if we had personal relationships with everyone cutting us off!

While it's impossible to totally eliminate our expectations, it is possible to at least slow down enough to think of alternative responses.

The four best ways to improve your communication in relationships are to:

• not take yourself too seriously

• act instead of react in a situation

• take a few moments to think before you speak

• give other people a break

Your relationships are too important to not try your best to communicate clearly and be receptive to messages from others.

There is bound to be difficult communication in relationships, but you can refuse to allow hasty expectations and reactions dictate how and when you respond to important people in your life.

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